Thursday, July 3, 2014

Graduation to Expert Level Bus Traveler

I now consider myself to be an expert bus traveler.  I passed my final exam last week when I made the trip from Santa Cruz, Bolivia to Piura, Peru exclusively by bus.  It was a doozie.  I calculated over 72 hours of bus time in five days.  As crazy as it may sound, I've met people who have done more (like a trip from Bogotá Colombia to Lima in 3 days straight, or a Lima to Buenos Aires trip).  Thats why I'm only an expert bus traveler, not professional yet.  I honestly hope to never get to the professional level.
But in order to get to the expert level there are more qualifications required than pure quantity or "seat time."  The quality of the bus experience is a crucial element in the advancement of bus expertise.  During my journey I had plenty of quality moments, but I would like to dedicate this post to one leg in particular.

I arrived in Puno, Peru at about 7:00 P.M.  My destination for that night was Arequipa, which was 3 hours away in Combi (minivan) or 6 hours by bus.  I had two friends waiting for my arrival in Arequipa, and I was looking forward to getting some rest at their place after the previous night's 18 hour overnight bus.  The terminal for the Combis was close to where I got dropped off, so I ignored the bike-taxi's offer to take me there and enjoyed stretching my legs and walking for a change.  I stroll around the corned and see a combi loading up its last passenger.  "Para Arequipa?" I ask.  Yes it was heading there, but it was full.  I would have to wait till the next one.  That was fine because I wanted to use the restroom and get some water anyway.  So I waited.  And waited.  After 15 minutes of waiting I started asking around about when the next combi would come.  Peruvians love to give you an answer even if they don't know the right one, so its kind of a game asking questions down here.  I try to feel out who is the most knowledgable and do what they say.  The final answer I got was that the last combi had left just a few minutes ago, I would have to take the 6 hour bus.

I get on and it isn't one of the luxury buses but I'm happy to have a row all to myself.  I take a quick nap and we arrive in Juliaca to pick up more passengers.  The crowd tonight consists of me, the odd ball out, and a healthy dose of Spanish-only-speaking peruvians and the bi-lingual serranos, or indigenous people native to the Titicaca area.  The serranas, or mamitas (indigenous ladies) may look cute for pictures but I know that underneath their black bowler hats, braided hair, and puffy skirts lies a sleeping dragon that no one in their right mind would intentionally disturb.  Actually, sleeping dragon is probably an incorrect depiction, the dragon is awake and ready to strike at any moment.  The bus starts to pull away as two mamitas start arguing up front and I sit back into my seat and get ready for the ride.
The chofer starts another random asian kung-fu movie dubbed in spanish.  I try to look at the title - "----- Man II"  I can't decipher the first word but whatever movie it is, they made two of them.  I start to recognize the characters and then realize that I've seen this one before!  They showed it on some other bus in some other city.  Then it hits me, I've been on so many bus rides that they have ran out of asian movies and have started to repeat.

We are traveling at about 13,000 feet so I start to get a bit of a headache from the altitude.  I rummage through my backpack for my bag of coca leaves, and.. whats this..?  I find a leftover mandarin orange from lunch!  Its like christmas.  I take it and the coca leaves out of my backpack and peel the orange and eat it, seeds and all because I have a belief that the seeds will kill whatever parasites I may have.  I finish my orange and resume my search for coca leaves.  Its not in my backpack pocket anymore.  Where did I put it..? Could I have left it on my seat?  I look in the crack between the seat and the wall and see the bag down there.  Score! I found them.  I pull out the back and instead of being my coca leaves its some leftover who-knows-what from who-knows-when.  Disgusted I shove it back in its cavern and in a germ induced frenzy I squeeze about half a bottle of hand sanitizer into my palm and it overflows, cleaning at least some part of the floor.  I look under my seat and find the coca leaves next to my backpack.  The bag is tied shut so I'm still fine.

I look back up at the movie and its now reaching its climax.  The final fight has started but the disk starts skipping.  I hear groans from the people around me. About 3 minutes away from the final climactic moment the disc stops.  Everyone is disappointed but amidst the complaints I smile.  I already know how it ends.  Instead of staring at the screen hoping it comes back on I look out the window and see thousands of stars.  The night is clear and the only lights come from our headlights, so the sky looks amazing.  The stars look brighter here, maybe because I'm closer to them.

At some point on the rumbling road I drift off to sleep.  In my semi-unconscious state I feel the mamita next to me lean in to snuggle.  She is fast asleep but I quickly readjust my position to avoid the unwanted peruvian attention.  Wait, wait a second.  Did I hear someone peeing?  And no, its not coming from the bathroom, rather its a few rows in front of me on the right.  No, it can't be someone peeing, it has lasted too long now.  I'm slightly comforted that it wasn't pee, but also slightly disturbed that I think so lowly of this bus that my first association with that noise was pee.

I relax into the journey and look at the stars.  Thats when I smell something burning.  A lady in the back starts yelling "Smoke, Smoke!" She wakes up everybody on the bus.  "Tell the drive the wheel is burning," she yells.  The smell gets worse and she starts coughing like Ben Stiller in Zoolander. (cough cough "I've got the black lung, Pop" cough cough)  Finally someone opens a window and the lady in back, in order to get the driver's attention, starts banging on the wall until everyone yells at her to stop.  She does it a couple more times for good measure.  By that point I'm laughing, and I'm probably the only one who thinks this is funny.  My six hour bus ride, full of trash, serranos, angry passengers, smoke, beautiful landscapes, and asian movies is so perfectly Peruvian that I can't help but laugh.

Combi ride to Puno, where I would then take the Bus to Arequipa

5 comments:

  1. Oh Sean, you make me laugh! I hope you have a great time. Be safe and come back to us in one piece!

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  2. Great posts, Sean. Thanks for sharing.

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  3. Sean you are so funny! Thank you for telling such funny stories! I didn't know cocoa leaves help with with altitude headaches, awesome! Keep up the awesome adventures! I am driving to the Grand Canyon right now for a 2 week whitewater rafting trip. Glad we didn't take the bus haha

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  4. This is so classic! Gotta love those Latin American Bus rides!

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  5. Hahahaha a really funny travel history. Great job! You're so close to be a good peruvian bus traveler. Well I made a unstoppable four days bus travel from Cuzco, Perú to Cali, Colombia with my Dad. It's fun and you'll see all kind of views.You may have problems with keep sitting uncomfortably for 4 days but apart from that it's such a wonderful experience. Hope to see you again around here having your own amazing adventure.

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